November 23, 2012

November 23, 2012 - What Is Off

I'm going to have the bulk of this personal blog below a little page break. This whole thing is spurred on by conversation on twitter. Some of the things said here are going to cause problems for people. But I feel this all needs to come out. I shouldn't have to put a disclaimer, so I won't. This shit hurts to write and I know not a single person will care. But that's fine with me right now. I just felt this all needed to be said... So here it goes.

The whole conversation started with something simple. I don't even remember what... But it lead up to talking about fitting in. My whole life there has always been something off about me and I've never had friends for very long. At least not friends that live near me. No one knows everything about me. Not even my fiance. On some level it bothers me that I can't be open about everything.

Anyone who follows me on twitter knows how open I can be. But those tweets aren't all of me. They aren't even half the story.

Anyone who makes an Original Character (or OC) puts a bit of themselves into that character. For me, that isn't the case. For me, my OC's are me. Each OC I have made represents a part of me I can't be honest or open about. Everyone is a piece of me that can't see the light of day. My fantasies are acted out through them in their entirety.

Well, not all my fantasies...

There are some that no one will ever find out about. I'm not even going to hint because I'm sure I know what the reaction will be to them. So what I will do in place of laying that part of my soul bare in the garish light of day, I will touch upon things I've done in RP.

I'll start tame. My OC @SilvsitSerket is a good place to start. She is as tame as my OCs come. Silv is skilled at what she does, obeys orders, and rather independant. While she is oblivious to most innuendo, she isn't shy when it comes right down to it. Past sexual exploits, while mostly female, shaped her to be sane and very bi. Silvsit Serket is a sane individual with only a few problems. Mostly regarding her sexual past.

Next in line is @CelesteTyn. She is only semi-sane. While she has been known to have bi tendencies  she's really more of a sexual opportunist, taking love and affection where she can get it. Skilled with guns, she isn't afraid of fighting for what she believes is right. Tess is usually in control, so she only panics when that is taken away from her. Unlike Silv, she needs more of a base to make her feel completely at ease.

Third OC is a bit of a jump from the previous two. @AshKikosika is my male persona. Blind, he is the weaker of my OCs and because of it he is dependant on having a partner of any kind. I had originally toyed with the idea of a little girl who was a mechanical genius who could repair the goggles he uses to see. That fell through and he ended up with a gay lover/boyfriend. Ash is the definition of a masochist. He gets off on being in pain when he is not blinded by the lack of his goggles. Emaciated and frail, yet still strong. That is the male side of me.

Last is @TylaKikosika. Admitting to her is harder. She does everything I wish I could do. Tyla is an opportunist in every sense of the word, preying on those she feels to be flawed or inferior in any way. She is a psychotic, sadomasochistic cannibal. Nothing about her is simple and even less is off limits. All my darkest thoughts and fantasies are channelled through her. The pains she went through in her little back story/childhood are painful. And all of them are things I've been curious about experiencing at one point in time or another. The psychotic glee with which she mutilates bodies and tortures people? I can honestly say I've wondered what that feels like.
Every self-inflicted wound, every scar, every fatal personality quirk... Those are all parts of me I channel into my role play with her. Those are parts of me that should never have been allowed to grow and blossom...

That is what is off with me. Every last word written here is true. Like I said before, things have been left out. No one needs to know those last little pieces. No one.

So if you ever wondered why I'm a little weird... This is it... This is my open, bleeding soul for you to poke at, laugh at, rip to shreds, ignore. If you want to try and talk to me, hit me up in the comments or mention me on @Sirramar.

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